Are you denying your feminine energy?

I want to talk about our masculine and feminine energy, and whether we are balancing both of these aspects within ourselves.

More than likely you are not in balance, and are denying one of these aspects within yourself. Or you’re over-compensating one of these aspects and therefore not allowing the other one through.

Do you consider yourself masculine or feminine?

I’m not referring to gender or the body you have. I’m talking about whether your behaviour and actions are mainly masculine in their energy and style, or feminine? Or do you balance both?

Do you balance your inner masculine and your inner feminine energy?

The ideal is for us to balance both aspects within ourselves because both are important, and both serve us in crucial ways.

Our masculine side gets expressed when we’re working toward a goal, making progress, getting things done, and pushing forward. The feminine in us gets expressed when we move with the flow of life, embrace our creative energy, and tune into our intuition.

If we are out of balance and are too much in our masculine or our feminine energy, then we crave what we are missing out on. But we also miss out on a huge aspect of ourselves and the gifts that might be expressed as a result of that.

I used to reject my inner feminine energy a lot and I remember people referring to me as an ‘alpha female’. This should have sent alarm bells ringing off for me, but at the time I took it as a complement (more alarm bells! 😂).

I think this was because I grew up with just my mum. My parents divorced so I didn’t really have the male energy around me. And I remember thinking when I was young that I felt that my mum was too easy on people, she was too nice and friendly. I have clear memories of her being taken advantage of or ripped off, and I thought she needed someone to stand up for her and ‘sort it out’. I remember thinking “a guy wouldn’t get treated that way” so I guess I tried to be that. As much as a child/teenager can be!

I grew up thinking that women were weak

This taught me that women were weak and got taken advantage of, so I denied that part of myself and ramped up the male energy… the ‘sorting it out’ energy. I wanted it to be clear that “I will not be taken advantage of”.

This wasn’t helped by crappy experiences with men giving me unwanted sexual attention throughout my young adult life. I learned that showing off one’s femininity got you into the kind if trouble where your life was threatened and you were unsafe.

So I guess that was that. Being more masculine would keep me safe and so that’s what I did.

Being masculine made me feel safe

I think a lot of women are doing this today. Not consciously necessarily, but out of a need to survive in the world as they’ve experienced it. Then we have men that are rejecting their feminine energy too. They struggle to connect and express their emotions. they work hard to achieve, and burn out, not taking time out to nurture themselves.

I was massively out of balance

This imbalance is felt by all of us. We could all benefit from connecting to and expressing our inner masculine and inner feminine.

So why are we doing this? And how can we get back into balance?

I resisted this big time.

For me to get back into balance took quite a lot of life stuff to happen.

When I launched my business I remember rejecting the idea of going to female networking events because of my desperate need to be treated equally and not patronised. To be honest a lot of the female groups I attended back then did seem to speak to women like they were thick and crap at stuff, so in my head this made sense. As a business coach, I mainly worked with alpha male business owners. My alpha energy met theirs and it worked well. Or so I thought.

But denying this aspect of myself – and others – came at a cost. I was so out of balance.

Restoring the balance of my feminine energy – how it began

It took being pregnant to restore this balance. But not the act of being pregnant and a mother; it was how it forced a pivot in my business.

The pregnancy journey highlighted my phobias around pregnancy and birth, and when I figured a way to clear all my fears really quickly, I was approached my women who wanted to know how I did it. I’m talking LOTS of women. Women I didn’t even know. I have NO IDEA how they heard about my journey, but they did.

I was in the middle of writing the draft of my book – head trash for business – on my second maternity leave when my aunt suggested I write one for women facing pregnancy fears instead. I remember being totally horrified at this prospect.

Women?? Why would I want to write for them??

This was me resisting my inner feminine.

But I carried on getting emails from women and deep down, I knew this was what I needed to do. Even though in my head at the time I thought this was a ridiculous idea. This was how much I was rejecting the feminine.

I’m glad I followed that nudge because it would introduce me to a whole new world. And, I would finally connect with an aspect of myself that I had been blocking off.

Reconnecting to my inner feminine energy

The feminine is the ultimate creator, a creator of life. And when women are going along that journey they come face to face with a lot of their fears. These are fears that men have too, it’s just that men don’t have something like birth to force them to face them head on. I’m talking about things like fear of losing control, or fear of being vulnerable or weak, for example.

The world of birth showed me how incredibly strong and powerful women truly are. Not only the birthing women, but also those who support her and stand by her. I’m talking about midwives and doulas.

These (mainly) women are unsung heroes in my opinion. Holding the space for a woman to let go and be truly vulnerable, requires incredible strength. Midwives and doulas face both the beautiful and the brutal in their work, because not all births go well. For them it’s another day at work, and they come back the next day ready to support the next woman.

I learned how strong and powerful women are

I learned how strong and powerful women are. It was about time!

Now I’m not suggesting this kind of approach to get you back into balance. There’s must be an easier way, right?

I decided to go back and explore why I felt the way I did, and once again, it boiled down to traumas;

  1. Seeing my mother being taken advantage of
  2. The experiences I had around men that made me feel unsafe and in danger as a woman

I responded to these experiences my internalising certain meanings and beliefs;

‘women are weak’

‘women get taken advantage of’

it’s not safe to be a woman… to be feminine’

Holding these beliefs affected my behaviour, which created even more experiences that in turn lead to more unhelpful beliefs.

How to restore the balance

I needed to untangle this mess of trauma and meanings. I believe this is how we can bring more balance of the masculine and feminine within us.

Let go of these traumas, emotional wounds that are making us behave in the way that we are. This frees us up to behave differently.

One of my clients wanted to clear the traumas she had around her experience of women because her work was around helping women connect better to each other, and she felt that women can often be toxic.

“How can I lead and inspire other women to better support each other when I’m carrying memories and wounds of being badly treated by women?”

This clearance brought up so much for her around how women treat women, and how we are treated by our mothers, partners, grandmothers, our female friends and our sisters.

How we are treated by the men and women in our life is part it

My client realised how she’d been so badly treated by other women during her life. The back-stabbing, the jealousy, the gaslighting, the feminine toxicity. I’ve experienced this as well working in the beauty industry and it sucks.

This inspired me to hold a group trauma clearance for people around the theme of men. And this brought up lots for those that attended.

Clearing our wounds around men and women

Many of those who took part in my trauma clearance around men had lots of old memories come to the surface. They realised how they had adapted their behaviour as a result of some of these interactions with men. It brought up a lot for those who attend.

Here are some of the comments from those who attended;

“Lots of memories of early years career in London in all male environment of. Feeling tired”

“I realized that the stuff was coming from my mom – it was her stories”
“I had memories of repressed sexuality”
“I felt my mother’s shit around men”
“I saw so many incidents of not being heard. Of being the weaker one.”
“I used intellect to feel equal”
“The clearing felt releasing. Not any big releases for me in terms of tears, yawns and such. But I fell very deep into myself and I’m sure there was some old stuff leaving. Like cleaning the house. It was very insightful the part of how much I’ve learned about men through my mom’s interpretation and stories”

As a result of this clearance one person said;
“I’m feeling more able to discern when men are pissing me off and how to be clear and boundaried very quickly without going into accommodation mode straight away… I’ve had 2 examples today. So I guess not being afraid of being rejected… so subtle but Defo something…”

When we are carrying these traumas and memories they affect our behaviour and the ease at which we get triggered. Letting them go can be a powerful process, as you can see from the comments above.

Would you like to clear these wounds in yourself?

As a result of this work I’m now developing a programme for healing the masculine and feminine wounds we carry within us, so that we can allow the balance to restored. If you’re interested in this then please subscribe to the Head Trash emails (on the home page) so that you can be kept informed.

Alexia Leachman
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